TOP HALLOWEEN COSTUMES & HOW TO DO THEM: 2010
10. THE ECONOMY. Simply mummify yourself with those unpaid bills and make sure to cover the eye-slit places so you can’t see where you’re going.
9. BRET FAVRE. First you buy a handy little digital camera. That’s as much as I can tell you because that’s as much as any of the rest of us really want to know.
8. BP: Petition the official dictionaries of the English-speaking world into changing the definition of the word “away” into the following: “Away: that part of the oceans and gulf waters in this world that includes the first one hundred foot depth of hard or oozing substances located at the bottom of all the water.” That way, when we speak, as BP, to say that the oil in the Gulf of Mexico has gone away, we will be telling nothing but the truth.
7. NORM CHAD (Sports Columnist): Just wear a crumpled up looking sportswriter suit and answer every inane question you get from readers about your history of failed marriages with the same silly response. Just tell ‘em: “Pay the man, Shirley.”
6. NOLAN RYAN (As a spokesperson for Viagra): I’m not sure why the “Mad Men” of Madison Avenue haven’t already come up with this one. In these Viagra ads, Nolie wears a doctor’s frock and always appears with an older man/actor who appears to be his patient. All Nolan Ryan says in these new commercials is the same thing he says in those previous baseball pitching instructional spots he’s done with kids in the past. Now he also tells the actor/patient in the Viagra ads: “You can do it. Just relax and follow through.”
5. THE HOUSTON TEXANS DEFENSE: There is a catch to the use of this costume. You have to be shaped like a colander or they won’t even rent it out to you.
4. LADY GAGA: Just go the fridge and see what is there. Then start spreading the stuff you find all over your body. Once you have all pertinent parts covered, you are ready to go trick or treating as Lady Gaga.
3. THE OCTOMOM: Since you probably can’t get pregnant and give birth to eight kids by Halloween 2010, here’s a way to mildly simulate the Octomom experience. Go out on one day and buy everything you ever wanted on credit and take it all home. And don’t worry about how you are going to pay for any of it.
2. ILLEGAL ALIEN/UNDOCUMENTED TOURIST: When you go trick or treating, only accept cash as your “treat.” Then, at the end of the day, go down to customer service at your nearest grocer and wire whatever money you got from going around the neighborhood to somebody living in Mexico.
1. CHINA: If you can’t scare everybody on your block by dressing up as the fastest and biggest growing monster economy in the world, it just means sadly that you have stumbled upon another quiet cell of sleeping Americans.
Happy Halloween preparations, everybody. Hope I didn’t hit you with any ideas that were too scary.